The affections of man can no better warm your shivering soul than darkness can show you the way. You look at the world through swollen eyes and a darkened spirit. The forecast for tomorrow is sorrow and the diagnosis for today is pain. The world has taken up arms against your family and all of evil plots your ruin.
You look to the future and the horizon has never looked so ghastly. Death has become your pursuit and even the stars mock you with their immortality. Your world deteriorates as joy, love, and peace is plundered by misfortune and injustice.
Slowly you retreat into the sanctuary of insanity and hope only for genuine escape. Time has become your greatest tormentor and mocks you by making every moment an eternity, just for you.
Reasonably, we have the excuse to wallow in our pity. We are allowed if never before, to bring accusation against the cruelty of this world or the person responsible for it.
Darkness penetrates our security and our peace and suddenly God is no longer just and His ways below our rationale.
How else could you explain your dad’s passing away, and what could I possibly learn from a broken family?
Clearly it seems your brother’s paralysis is the wrath of God, and your mother’s cancer the judgement of God.
Oddly, the only moments I find reprieve for my aching soul is when I heave all of my hate and anger towards God.
It’s actually at that exact moment that a spark flickers in the deepest recess of my being, hoping, just hoping that He is able. Able to undo, able to explain, able to redeem, or simply able to save me.
I beat my chest or scream into my pillows, making every effort to defend my humanity, but in the end, I lay on my side motionless because life is more than I can bear.
In that moment, the coolness of surrender overcomes me and I recognize the fragility of man. I sink into the reality of man’s transience and for the first time I raise my white flag.
It’s funny though. God was never at war with us.
In fact, He was and still is waiting for us. He was in your closet with you when shame came pounding. He was laying next to you when hope seemed lost and sleep was your only relief. His eyes were steadfast as He saw you lose your dad.
Every tear you cried, He cried for an eternity. He shared every second of loneliness, embraced you in your weakness, and desperately called out for joy in your life.
He huddled the angels of heaven and gathered the prayers of all the world to make contact with you. Day and night, He stood in the corner of your heart, waiting for an open door.
And like the bursting of unrequited love, God waits to lunge on the smallest opportunity to fill you and comfort you.