It feels as if time and air are escaping me. I pace the wooden floors of my workspace which also doubles for my secret place. I go back and forth contemplating the heaviness that rests on my heart. The angst binds my words and only permits sounds of exasperation. Fire is raging in my chest.
All I can do is squeeze out an, “Oh God,” only to be quickly redirected to the pounding in my chest.
The walls seem closer and the world smaller, yet I can’t seem to see beyond the windows of time. My heart is bursting with vision and a yearning to affect change in the world.
A fire roars in the deepest recesses of existence and demands that I act.
Every day the increasing divide in prosperity testifies against my crime of fear. The millions of girls and women who fall prey to the cruelty of subjectivity deplete me of my tears. There is a constant gnawing in my being that doesn’t allow me rest.
And yet even in my commitment to fight and to defend, I feel lost. My resolve has made no headway into the practical and the world is like a stranger to me. It has yet to invite me into its house.
My inability to reach the masses is troubling. To be unheard when I have only hope to share pains me.
Some days I teeter on the fence between endurance and surrender.
When I get carried away trying to do this on my own, thinking it’s my battle to wage, I find time to gather my thoughts. I close my eyes and relax, realigning my perspective.
And then I remember.
There’s no flashing lights or cinematic soundtracks. Sometimes it’s a whisper, at others just a rising warmth. But it’s enough to bring me to my knees. It’s enough to provoke me to a song of gratitude and praise.
God was there before every good deed. Before the creation of any good man, there He was.
The journey doesn’t matter and neither does the end. It’s not even about how badly we want it, no matter how well-intentioned we are. God will complete what He set out to do. Long before we came into the picture and regardless of your participation, He’s true to His promises.
But isn’t that the beauty of it? God plants these unrealistic goals within us knowing all too well that we can’t do it, just so that He could work with us.
I don’t say these things to minimize your significance. But I do say them so that we would remember where we stand relative to God. In the end, It’s the joy of experiencing Him that really makes it all worth it. There’s work to be done, but not without God.